[2019.09.14]

Bloody Tears

Your punishment will be 
dealt severely.

I arrive to your door
and you tremble... But
so do I.

Anticipation. Anticipating.
Anticipated. Finally here.
Right now. Never again,
until the next time...

Rape, of the soul.
Of the mind. Of time.

Watching you squirm,
cry, and die. Over
and over again,
until I feel like stopping.


[2019.07.31]

Being Cheeky

Taking and talking,
Waiting and watching.
Fighting and flying away.

Wickedly wiling away the time,
and the days... as they say.

Yes, they say many things about you,
and those like you. All of these people,
in similar boxes, with similar traits.
It's uncanny.

Say goodbye to timid,
say hello to loud.


[2019.07.15]

Stamina

Bit by bit,
Hour by hour,
Careful and keep steady,
Don't push yourself too hard.

Hurting won't grant you any favours.
Be happy with the progress.
Remember where you've come from.


[2019.07.02]

A Friend In Need Is A Friend Indeed

When the realization comes,
That you simply don't give a damn.

More so, you don't even think about it
to then be in a position to brush it aside.

It was just a non-issue from the get go.

To be so unfazed,
Must be an honed skill.

How many have you tricked and used?
Discarded?


[2019.06.29]

Energy

That feeling.
The push and the pull.
"Just do it and see" only works when,
There's not only the confidence,
But also the physical ability.

You must be ready.
Otherwise, you must be ready to fall.

Loneliness isn't bad.
The feeling,
The push and pull.
The empty.
The void.

The shame to show.

Not knowing where to go.

Happy, with the little I have.


[2019.06.01]

Nobody

Nobody hears, nobody sees,
nobody knows, nobody cares.

Pointless, futile, empty and
hopeless.

Chaotic, foundation-less,
unrecognized presence.

A gold pass obtained through
unorthodox means, access
denied, yet a gold pass
it remains.

Pushed out.
Unwelcome.
Uninvited.

Plates upon plates
serving a feast for
nobody but me.

The door is open
and there is no doorman
or fee.


[2019.04.28]

The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of

The thought is pervasive.
Like a runaway thief,
a getaway car.
You recoil from the danger
but the draw keeps you drowning.
The thought is persuasive.
There are better drugs to
get addicted to.
The thought is invasive.
It's an invasion.


[2019.04.01]

The Bottom Of Things

Sometimes people say, "This, that and the other thing." They think they're funny, but they're not. I see through them. Do you? 

Maybe I'm the only one. Or it could be I'm imagining the whole thing. 

Send me a letter when the truth is finally revealed, verified and confirmed by an approved external, impartial body. It better be a large committee, so no one can doubt its findings.


[2019.03.19]

Easy Peezy

What do you know?
What do you say?
How do we all get along anyway?
Time never tells,
and the air is too breezy.
I wouldn't believe it if you say that it's easy.


[2019.03.18]

Thoughts And Thinking And Things

The thing,
That thing,
Which thing?
Those things?
Any thing!

Are you the thinker?
Is there one?
I think...

Can all your problems be solved with thought?

What if thought was the problem?
What now?


[2019.03.06]

Overseas Graveyard

Of all the things to scare me,
It's the most temporary,
almost mundane aspect about it.
The discomfort of that small portion of the otherwise new and harmless experience, 
is enough to trigger a wave of fear and physical pain.

One positive about the prospect is that I at least know what to expect,
unlike my first time where I was utterly surprised.
My health could also have been a factor in my ability to withstand it.


[2018.10.24]

I Have Not Yet Spent The Time You Have

Loss
Memories
Lessons
Love
Looking back.
Being happy.
Unforgettable

Time


[2018.07.22]

Massage Your Belly, Boy

It's been a year now.
I've finally realized for a long time now,
I've been confusing one thing for another.
Symptoms misplaced and misinterpreted.
Essentially creating unnecessary pain.
Well, when would it actually be necessary to manufacture and self-inflict pain?
I wouldn't even want to determine such a reason.

Creating and perpetuating fear 
(I won't need to deem this unnecessary, will I?) 
which eventually became a steadfast habit.
But if that's all it is,
then this awareness is a blessing,
and the best is yet to come.


[2018.04.13]

Never Comfortable In My Chair

Always fidgeting, deep breaths.
Leaning back, further some more.
Come forward again after a little while,
I wonder if I'll die.

I probably won't,
Oh well, that's too bad.
Patience is a virtue they say,
It'll only be another 60 years or so.


[2017.07.25]

Screams So Piercing

The war we were in,
The war we survived,
You saved me as much as I you.
More so, I’m sure.

There was no way we’d part,
Your hobbled lower half no obstacle for me,
Nor the flames and enemy at our backs,
I carried not just you but me too.

To see you in that chair now,
Is not as painful anymore,
Because the smile of yours and the man you’ve found who loves you,
warms my heart.


[2017.06.20]

Ho'oponopono

I asked and I received. 
I asked life, not a man. 
Men deny but God grants. 
All it takes is an apology and full responsibility. 

Clean your house, everything in it is your doing. 
Let me show you how. 
You'll know it's working once I've disappeared. 
Even you are my responsibility and once I've cleaned you I will be gone.


[2017.06.07]

To The Other Side

They've taken all of my will to live, 
replaced it with a thought out goal, 
boring and safe and secure enough to keep me going 
as another supportive cog in the machine. 

I'll be granted a few modest toys for my efforts, 
otherwise forgotten. 
The key word to sum it all up is forgettable. 
Everything is forgettable though, when you die. 
Those you leave behind are ever burdened to remember. 
True freedom arrives when you crossover.


[2017.05.20]

Taking Turns

I'd rather relay letters and forms than sounds and noises, 
to reach you, inform you, extend to you, 
my thoughts, prayers, hopes and even fears. 
Sometimes oddities delivered sonically are a necessity. 
The device calls to me and I just wish to respond to it. 
There isn't anything special I'm trying to say with it. 
It's more like simply relating to it or with it. 
That is all there is to it. 

I feel like an historian of my own life experience and cherished memories, 
in no way for the lives of others or in their interests or benefit, 
but solely for my own recollection and nostalgic voyages. 
When I think of Sherlock I interpret the inspiration, 
to inspect that which alights me instead of that which endangers society. 
I turn to myself as an homage to that inspiration. 
In essence I emulate in the only capacity I know.


[2017.05.17]

Certainty Is...

Certainty is no longer here to stay.
Pressure to be entertainment for your lack of,
or insatiable addiction to.
Owing you something...
In fact owing you nothing at all.
Take and receive only what I feel like bestowing your way.
Whether free or paid,
it has no bearing on output.
The higher the pay,
the deeper the burden.
Gifts are preferable.
Transactions turned on their heads have the best ring to them.


[2017.04.08]

Hot Stomach

Little bursts of happiness at the sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.
Quickly and unforgivingly shot back down after crossing the threshold of too much excitement.
Don't you hurry now! You must wait, and wait patiently for your turn. Your time will come.
It will trickle down slowly until you have enough to go on, to kickstart that engine and move forward.
Reassurance by a third party can serve as helpful medicine during these dark and uncertain times.


[2017.03.18]

A Darkness Besieged Upon Me

Guilt.
Guilt for everything,
Guilt for nothing.
Guilt is all I know truly well.

Break my chest open,
And you will find,
A little ball of wickedness
In the center of it all.


[2017.02.27]

Take Me Instead

The vulnerability, the fragility of it all, that which surrounds a loved member in the cast of your life.

A sweet sadness arises, then overtakes, then passes. So sad yet enough sweetness to bring with it a layer of gratitude.

All mixed up, served brutally sharp.

We shouldn't have it any other way.

How long will this memory last, and if it dies, where will it go?


[2017.02.01]

Roundup

New,
Fresh,
With each step.

Smile and believe
the lies that you need.

Poem,
Tree,
Both can be connected
like a knee connects
the calf with the thigh,
if you try.

Silly, silly, silly me,
Thinking I could have it free.


[2016.11.26]

Stagnation Nation

Running around like headless chickens, 
jumping at the first opportunity to relive what once was. 
No regard for readiness and no eye toward the future. 
Stagnation foundation, 
lack of control for delayed gratification.


[2016.10.03]

Me And My Pencil

I love my pencil, my pencil is grand.
It's light to the touch and light in my hand.
My belly is big but it matters not, as long as I have words and I have thought.
So if you wish to be good at this, get a pencil, you'll see.
The sun will shine and happiness will be thine.


[2016.09.12]

Winning And Losing

What's it like to win in life?
I don't know because I don't win at anything.
Seems like I'm always on the losing side.
At the end of the longest line.

Sure, I have my simple pleasures, but even those I have to fight for!
I see something I want but I don't know how to get it so I just settle, 
for whatever I can get or for whatever comes my way. 
Most of the time I even turn that down!
Because I'd rather have nothing 
and stick to my seemingly outlawed simple pleasures to keep me company.


[2016.09.01]

Waiting For You To Die

This restrictiveness is killing me.
I'm a prisoner of your logic, your sentiments and morality, and whatever else you have in that bag of yours.
If I don't show you in this life I'll be waiting behind the gates in the next with a bottle in my hand, ready.

Wringing my hands wishing I was dead. 
Living because I'm damned to.

Taste my cock.
Hurt me forever.
I'm not going to give in even though you think I will.

I can't enjoy myself anymore.
I'll hear talk of it from one place and talk of it from another.
There's no respite, no reprieve and no sanctuary.
I abstain instead and will wait until you die off.


[2016.04.15]

A Rhyme In Time

Let’s paint a tryptich, but I don’t want it to be too cryptic.
I’m sitting here alone, my imagination has created a comfort zone.
This isn’t meant to be a rap, even though front to back it’ll rhyme just like that.
The flow is what’s missing, my syllables and sentence structure is twisting.

Just try and put a beat behind this, then spit out the words, you’ll see it might not fit.
I’m not here to proclaim a new day in the rap game.
I’m just playing another round in this illusory network created by my brain, based on thoughts passed down from plane to generation to name.
Perhaps a univeral consciousness area, developed over millennia, to adapt to this world but it went awry.

We took the tools in order to keep us sane and functioning, let it fly, applied it to self-perpetuated problems like the psyche.
We have all the answers, that’s where are questions are coming from.
If one day the questions, the questioner, ended, we’d be done.
I’m using the exact tool that is perpetuating all our pain. It’s all there is. Without it nothing remains, obviously.

None of my words are unique. Ideas rehashed from last week. There’s nothing left but to keep on barking like a dog.
Discuss things in a classroom, debate on and on. As long as I am solidified in this sphere, we’ll always be here.
You can’t escape it, even if you see. But if you see, then you won’t believe. So yeah, keep that not in, nor out, of mind.
Because mind is a myth. I’m just here visiting to relay and regurgitate, then exit so I can stay far away from this mist.


[2015.12.15]

If I Should Die Before I Wake

Worry, fantasy, problems, time.
I wonder if all these are related,
Or just strung together for effect.

How random could I get?
Mysterious?
Edgy?
Sketchy?

I have a minute left before
this song ends, the one I'm
listening to. For pleasure.
To pass the time.
Until I die.

It'll be a while but this
helps it get there faster


[2015.07.15]

What Is This?

What am I doing yet again? Or rather, what am I not doing? Or not doing enough of?
There's too much of a gap between the happy and the sad, the busy and the bored.
I don't like busy-ness for its own sake.
When I get to watch time go by from the front row of my show it seems infinite.

Your show makes me want to crawl around on the floor and pick up any scattered seconds I or someone else may have dropped.
When I'm at the right show I'd gladly empty my pockets and bank accounts of time and die.
An old man with nothing but moments well spent.


[????.??.??]

What's The Hurry?

How to live, please instruct me because I don’t know.
Give me a plan of action,
I’ll use you as a template.
I’ll owe you my life, the biggest piece of the pie.
Your knowledge is vast and approved by committee.
That’s the most important thing, right?
Coming to terms with it on your own would be far too risky.


[????.??.??]

Just When Things Can’t Get Any Worse

Wading through the dark forest’s mud puddles,
At least I’m not bored.
I get bored even when I’m having fun.

A little boredom can be comforting,
Even if it can drive you to tears.

Analogies and metaphors and the undying pestering of the second hands.
When minute hands seem like hour hands.
When hours seem like little days within miniature months.


[????.??.??]

A Mind Of Its Own

I’ve got a habit,
It’s better than yours,
My habit even has a mind of its own, 
So I get to relax and let it run its course.

My habit is unhealthy,
Yours might be too,
We put ourselves through all sorts of stuff,
Just for a brief respite of fun.

Do you hear your habit calling?
I hear mine shouting out loud,
Time to go.


[????.??.??]

Drive Away Fast

Let’s go for another ride downtown,
Find some new friends to keep us company.

We’ve got to keep things fresh,
An image to uphold.
We’re better than everyone else,
After all.

Let’s live for tonight,
Tomorrow never comes,
If we do it right,
It’ll last forever.

The way it ought to be.


[????.??.??]

Cruel Hindsight

Oh 

Retrospect,
I can never live up to you.

Wicked,
Wicked,
Wicked forms.

Which nights are the worst nights?
Or are they days?
Day or night?

All of the above?


[????.??.??]

To You

I hear bombs are falling close to you lately,
Nights are rough for me,
We will be reunited someday soon,
My dreams tell me,
My heart never stops telling me.

I’ve set aside all of your treasured possessions,
The ones you left with me for safekeeping,
In the corner of my room,
To keep you in my thoughts.


[????.??.??]

I Don’t Want It

It’s true,
That’s what I’m feeling.
I don’t want to be reminded of anything,
Besides the fact that I’ll miss you
and I’ll be sad to see you go.

Why can’t it be pure?
I guess I have no choice but to acknowledge it,
It shouldn’t be too painful.
Over in a few minutes.

A little digression now if you don’t mind,
I heard the way you said my name tonight.
I’m glad to be on your good side.

Yet another tangent if you will.
Like Billy Bragg sang,
I might seem lazy
and it gets me down sometimes,
But it reassures me
because I still feel right.

Last digression please, but only slight.
Maybe the problem is me
and not people, places and things.
However am I not alone in blame?
Are the participants exempt?
I’m not that masochistic.


[????.??.??]

A Lot Of Chaos Today

I don’t understand why the storm lifted when it did,
Would I have been able to withstand one minute more?
A part of me believes I could’ve,
So I’ll stick with that and not question.
 
Cruelty,
it abounds.
I know how to avoid it
but that doesn’t seem like enough.
Enough not for me but for those in need,
I guess there’s nothing I can do about it
besides making sure I don’t do it myself.
 
I’ve seen myself in the mirror
and in a jail cell,
kept there by none other
than the invisible man.

Funny how I know him so well.


[????.??.??]

What Is Fine And What Is Mine

Where am I to go?
What on earth is waiting for me?
Is there no guide?
No signpost?

I wonder where I’d be if I weren’t here.
Isn’t it impossible to be anywhere other than where you are right now?
I’d say it is.

If I could choose to be anywhere else right this moment,
I’d have no idea where to be.
Maybe I’d want to be in a Kar Wai Wong film for a minute,
living the fast night up in a busy Hong Kong street market,
smoking too many cigarettes but feeling fine.

Unlike reality,
Eating and eating but not getting fat.
Don’t mind if I do.

But that’s not real.
I enjoy it in my mind.
I might even simulate some of it through my own actions and vices.
I’m not invincible though.

I wonder where I should be.
If I should be anywhere at all.
It feels like I don’t belong,
except for where I am right this moment.

I don’t think I could reach out into another space,
unless my whole body shifts,
at the same time,
harmoniously.
Then that’s fine.


[????.??.??]

Go A Long Way

That way,
It might seem tiresome,
But math is on your side here,
Just add it up and see.

All I need is one more a day,
It’ll multiply and give me something to be proud of,
It’s worth a try,
I wonder if I have the energy for it.

Now this can be applied to the negative as well,
So be wary,
But if you use it for good,
Oh the power.


[????.??.??]

Even When I Try

I just don’t get by,
Haven’t exactly lost,
Yet haven’t won either.
I can live with that.
 
What I’ve gained isn’t anything to sneeze at,
Or spit at,
Whatever.
Some are quick to.
 
I’m a little less discerning possibly,
However I do try to be more so,
I still may fail,

But I am never dissatisfied.


[????.??.??]

Enemy

You could be one,
There are varying degrees I think.
I’d be able to sit in the same room,
Though I certainly wouldn’t lift a finger for them.
 
Friends of my enemies are not my friends,
However they are not also my enemies.
I’d just be wary,
Distant although personable.
 
I can’t do any better than that,
Blindness is not what I’d like to adopt,
Obliviousness even less so.

I understand the importance of civility.


[????.??.??]

It’s Pretty Obvious

You just don’t care,
The excitement that once was,
Has long passed,
And I guess that’s fine.
 
I won’t try too hard,
If I’m the only one pulling nowadays,
I’ll let you go,
Be on your way.
 
I’ve extended my hand,
I do it now and then,
It’s up to you now,

I’ll be around.


[????.??.??]

I Think I’m Done

The time has come,
To clean up house,
Close up shop,
As they say.
 
I’ve been a familiar hanger-on,
For way too long,
I don’t even care,
I’m not a compatriot.
 
Commiserate I do not,
I know your face too well,
I may never return.
 
If I do,
It will certainly be via extenuating circumstances,
And I won’t stay long anyway.

I’ve discovered bigger and better things.


[????.??.??]

A Little Bit Of Sense And Reason

There’s a middle ground somewhere,
I wonder if you can identify it,
It’s not above your capability,
I’m sure.
 
All it takes,
Is a little sense and reason,
Otherwise your extremes,
Are quite unpleasant.
 
Either all up in my business,
Or completely indifferent,
It’s classless,

And crass.


[????.??.??]

You’re Just Being Difficult

You know exactly what I mean,
But instead you’d rather be difficult,
I can see your point,
Why can’t you see mine?
 
I think you’re just a difficult person,
On purpose,
For the purpose of being difficult,
This monotony is a parity to what you are.
 
What you do,
Without purpose,
Yet you probably feel intelligent,

Less swayed by emotion.


[????.??.??]

Reconsidering
 
I won’t disappear on you,
That’s for sure,
I’m not in a destructive mood,
Those days are over.
 
I think I’ll walk a new path,
This one is getting stale,
I may visit you again someday,
But until then I must take this break.
 
I wonder if I’ll be gone forever,
Even if I am,
I’ll have these memories to cherish,

It was not a waste.


[????.??.??]

You’re So Annoying
 
Yelling and screaming,
No cutoff volume at all,
But I love you still,
Just shut it down sometimes.
 
Tone it down,
Level it down,
Install a ceiling,
Try not to disturb hell.
 
I’m sure they can hear you down there,
It’s already unpleasant for them,
Why make it harder than it has to be?
I won’t even get started on what’s happening upstairs.


[????.??.??] 

True Atrocity
 
What can you do,
when nothing has been done?
Nothing will be done,
yet the damage is lasting.
 
How can one,
do this to another?
Not just once,
but repeatedly?
 
Of course there is evil in this world,
But this is an exceptional feat,
It is also typical of a certain geography,
Which is even more puzzling.


[????.??.??] 
 
Thanks For Clearing Things Up
 
Let’s be careful with our words,
Sometimes they’re loaded,
With nuclear bombs,
Deployed by an itchy trigger finger.
 
I still disagree with your ways,
But I am not bitter,
I do understand better,
And I wish you the best.
 
Let’s try to install things straight,
Or else if crooked,
Down the line,
It will shake loose.


[????.??.??] 
 
Choices
 
At your age,
You shouldn’t be making these same ones,
They should be rising in quality,
Wouldn’t you agree?
 
Probably not,
Because you’re in the throes of it,
It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel,
The lighthouse in the midst of a storm.
 
I hear there are voices talking to you,
Seemingly friendly,
But they don’t know.
They don’t know anything.


[????.??.??]
 
I’m Being Coerced
 
I think it’s a type of squirrel syndrome,
Hoarding and collecting,
For the winter,
Which seems to be perpetual.
 
Will I ever relax?
Let up?
We’ll have to wait and see,
I’ve collected nowhere near as much as I think I need.
 
Every day,
I’m reminded,
Harshly,
Poignantly.


[????.??.??]
 
Can I Concentrate?
 
How can I?
When it’s cloudy,
Outside,
Inside.
 
Either applies,
Depending on your level of awareness,
It’s not like there’s a gun to your head,
You can go on.
 
Are you strong?
How strong?
You can bend,
Or you can break.


[????.??.??]
 
You Do It
 
Three simple words,
Full of vitriol,
Passing the buck,
With a smirk and a slap.
 
Opening the stage to questions,
Back and forth,
A battle of wits,
We are both losers in this match.
 
This is a train wreck.
Will you retaliate at a later date?
How paranoid must I get?
I wonder.


[????.??.??]
 
Mystifying
 
You,
Mystifyingly are,
Many things,
All good (of course).
 
That’s the allure,
It’s nothing bad.
It may be risky,
It may even be dangerous.
 
To know,
Only if invited.
Wondering only when reminded,
Like a passing cloud.


[????.??.??]
 
It’s That Time Again
 
Sitting here,
Staring,
Blankly?
Or purposefully?
 
Maybe a bit of both,
I’ve got other things going on,
But I’m checking in with you,
Now and again.
 
It’s like a marker,
A milestone,
Then it’s shared,
For one or none or many to see.


[????.??.??]
 
Why Do I Get So Excited?
 
Such simple things,
That get me going,
Looking forward,
Salivating.
 
Food can apply to this metaphor,
It is the culprit most of the time.
Company can do it too,
Or the promise of good old fashioned escapism.
 
Whether I’m alone or not,
It doesn’t matter,
Sometimes it does,
Shouldn’t denounce a good thing when you have it.


[????.??.??] 
 
Perpetual Pain
 
So grave in airs,
It feels like it’s piling on,
With no end for a while.
Endure.
 
At least the cleanup is good exercise,
But it’s so gruelling,
Without enough help,
It breeds resentment.
 
One can easily throw more,
Upon the shoulders of them,
Currently in motion.
That’s not helping anyone.


[????.??.??] 
 
Opinions
 
Let’s have them,
I don’t have any proof,
But you’ll hear them nonetheless,
It’s the way of the free man.
 
The internet is where the truth resides,
Let’s all congregate there,
And waste our time.
I’ll tell you and you tell me.
 
Either feel confused or enlightened,
But where is the proof?
Alas,
Let’s argue some more.


[????.??.??]

Just A Rehash

That’s right, there was a brief respite
but I’m wary of a reunion.
The usual difficulty.
It’s like we haven’t grown
towards mutual understanding.

I saw myself slipping.
You have a way of sneaking past me
and I think I’m fine.
A short time later
I kick myself.

Now I’ll look like the bad guy
I’m sure.
That won’t stop me though.
It’s always the same old story.
I want to put the book down for good.


[????.??.??]

Guilt

Like a noose
occasionally loose.
Never afraid it’ll kill
because it needs you,
it might even fear you
but more often than not,
you’re the one that fears it.

It’s nice when it sleeps
but when it creeps,
it slams.
It screams.
Guilt about guilt
is even worse.
It’s a funny illusion
so let it bring indecision
and accept it,
because in the moment
you will choose
and it’ll be the right way.

Unless you self-inflict punishment
about your guilt,
then you’re screwed.


[????.??.??]

Super, Lovely Problems

Lovely Problems
Weather, weathering, I won’t bore with mediocre matters.
Testing, testaments, I won’t presume to be able to testify.

I wish, wishing, there’s not enough room in this world to contain my superficial material desires.

Sarcasm, sarcastic, I feel silly even having to spell this out for you.
Cryptic, if you don’t get it, or get me by now, we’ve got no hope.

Comfort, comforting, non-existent so much of the time. Fleeting.

Anticipation, too stressful. Give me indifference. Time doesn’t speed up or slow down, so there’s no point pretending it might.


[????.??.??]

Games

When do they go too far?
Sometimes not all the rules are clear beforehand, mainly because not all can be known.
New things arise over the course of time, and how often will you find limits placed on growth?
Maybe you should never have started playing in the first place.

But I guess you just didn’t know, so now you do.

If you’re able to be free of it without suffering too much of a loss, count yourself lucky.

Don’t put yourself in the same position again.

You may have tools and countermeasures or safeguards at your disposal if for some reason you do get led back in. Use them without mercy.

Threaten only when the resolve to follow through is unbreakable.


[????.??.??]

Laughing

The only hope, so worrisome.
Time to see, wait for me.
Secrets are not revealed but thinly veiled.
Let’s just alienate those who don’t agree.
A simple but effective plan.
It worked well.
Just look, you’ll see.

I wonder so often. Angry? Too. For nothing. Maybe not to you. Trivial, as always.

I let it all out in the art. It’s better than talking to a brick wall.


[????.??.??]

Too Many Times

Do you need to take a break?
I’ll have to ask you.
I don’t mind at all, I just don’t want to push you or make things stale.

What hurts most is you don’t believe me.
I guess I played one too many games, really, really well.
I’m good at games, but they are always truthful.
I hope that makes sense, but I somehow doubt it will to you.
You probably don’t believe that either.

I guess there’s no point in continuing then.
I could though, go on forever, because it’s coming from a place of truth!
Goodbye.


[????.??.??]

Mind Boggling

Excuses and stinginess to a shocking degree. Offers accepted with a silent and hidden gratitude.

A frustrating predicament sometimes.
What makes you so cryptic?
Bordering on ungrateful, but you walk the line fine.


[????.??.??]

Burden

Wishing and hoping falsely, emptily.
No sympathy or support on all fronts.
Cut off my skin if it offends you.
I wonder if that’ll please you?

Time and time again I trust you, and it has kicked me every time.
In turn, when I step out of the way I become the one at fault.

Maybe I don’t see a better solution, that one is pretty great.
So share with me or shake your head but get away.

Do you hold the secret?
If you do, and withhold, and expect me to have it somehow, then I hope you die.

A hex on you.
But if you don’t know, yet expect me to, then I’m sorry to disappoint, but you’ve got your own searching to do.


[????.??.??]

Happiness Demanded

Melting, but it’s engulfing, sweet.
Stickiness provides a blanketing comfort.
Smoke adds weight to my existence in this moment, like I am truly living and I am in the thick of it with you.

No matter who I meet in friendship, a woman’s presence is what really does it.
All party, escapist nights, so fleeting.
It tides me, but is disappointing.
It’s a shame you’re so complex.
We could enjoy so much if you wanted much less.


[????.??.??]

Brick Walls

I’ve been driving up your lane and then I hit a sign that said I’m too much of everything.
I got out to examine it closely and someone yelled at me to stop that too.
I tried to get back in my car but my keys were taken away by someone who thought my car was too big for them.

I wanted to walk back to where I came from but another sign said I could only go the other way.
Maybe running past this black hole of a town would be best but I got an earful for not walking.
At least I wasn’t accosted and robbed.
I didn’t have my gun because it was taken away from me two towns over before this one.

The next sign I faced ordered me to change clothes.
Why? No reason.
Simply because it said so.
I guess I had to assume the reason myself, there was nothing wrong with what I wore from what I could see, but I’m sure someone somewhere had a complaint of their own.

By the time I reached the city limits and moved on into the next one, I was met by a pedestrian who eyed me and said, “Oh you must’ve just come from there.”
Curiously I asked, “How could you tell?”
The man replied, “You look just like them, and you’re sad about it too. At the same time, you seem quite calm, probably because all the life has been stripped out of you. That’s how they like it.”


[????.??.??]

The Final Stretch

Tonight’s the last night,
There won’t be any left tomorrow,
Back to the uncertain.
I’m a little worried
about living without.
I’ve done it before,
Too many times.
It’s no fun.

I get a little help sometimes,
Most of the time.
I depend on my friends,
I can’t be counted on otherwise.
Too much Catholic guilt, I suppose.

At least I’m going out with a bang.


[????.??.??]

Complaints, or Musings…

Wishing, wanting, comparisons.
Flow as water, die as stone.
Robbery, competing, watching.

Wondering what’s needed and 
wanting desperately to fulfill.
No clues. No path, seemingly anyway.

Others are brighter, with answers
for everything. Wondering where these magic
solutions lie, so they could be dug up.
Unless there’s a shortage, or requiring a passkey.

Maybe it’s a cyclical time, the line looks
ever long.


[????.??.??]

Reactionary or Pre-emptive.

It must’ve been you who 
betrayed me, ratted.
It honestly doesn’t
really matter who,
if you, but the
fact that I was,
betrayed, ruined it
all.

Also, my time,
effort, and dedication…
Not all for naught,
but I see I must change my ways now.
It’s not somewhere I 
belong. I’m too
sensitive for your
spiked borders,
bumpy landscape,
cruel light.

I feel sad and angry,
yet educated and enlightened.
I was misunderstood but
my explanations weren’t
enough either.
I’m better off this way.
I’m going to stick to the
essence of it and not
stick my neck out for
it to be chopped.

I’ve forgotten many things,
but now I remember
them.


[????.??.??]

A Simple Little Rhyme

Payin’ and a playin’ and they come and keep a takin’.

Everybody’s fakin’, so am I but I can’t shake it.
Only sometimes when I’m prayin’ do the demons go on vacation.

Then I smile, for a while,
but it only lasts a mile.

Is this even worth expressin’ because it might not be representin’ the real truth or situation,
but I liked this flow and I gave it a go. For some fun and cathartic relaxation.


[????.??.??]

Scathing

Wicked witch of the west… Or something.
Don’t open your door to strangers.
Primitive, uneducated, strung together
With a lucky dose of good intentions.
None of it matters to you.

Is that all?
Can’t you put
A little more
Effort into it?


[????.??.??]

If I Should Die Before I Wake

Worry, fantasy, problems, time.
I wonder if all these are related,
Or just strung together for effect.

How random could I get?
Mysterious?
Edgy?
Sketchy?

I have a minute left before
this song ends, the one I’m
listening to. For pleasure.
To pass the time.
Until I die.

It’ll be a while but this
helps it get there faster.


[????.??.??]

Get Away From Me

I’ve got a friend, but he ain’t here. I think he’s
scared of me. The time has come and gone to wait
and see, I know this and that but it’s just not for
me.

I don’t care, simply. What will it be? Doom on
me? I don’t believe it, prove it! I want to
see, with my own eyes, this danger, this wish.
I ignore but am aware. Do you believe in
me?

I am fearless in this. Like I’m playing with
someone else’s money. I feel free. Like
an eagle. So show me, and we’ll see.


[????.??.??]

Creativity

Another one is coming. It’s special but invisible. The only one who sees it is the one who made it.
The only thing they ever knew. It never diminished the joy and excitement but it left a space where wonder flourished.
Not in the positive sense, but as doubtfulness. A doubtful wondering.
The show will go on though. There’s no other choice.
It’s like a blessing and a curse, something that will not die and demands attention.


[????.??.??]

A Fondness

Like a petal of a flower, fragile.
Like a plate glass panel, fragile.
I cherish you.


[????.??.??]

Same Old Story

You are taunting me.
Back off if you know,
what is good for you.
I do not have to,
give you a reason,
that you’d approve of.


[????.??.??]

Escapist Dreaming

My ears get tired, but I do not rest.
Sleep is my only true escape.
My eyes get tired, I close them
but I still see you. Sleep is my only
respite. I can’t sleep enough,
but according to you I can.
I wish you weren’t so right,
or at least didn’t seem so convincing.


[????.??.??]

I Wonder If A Typewriter Would’ve Made A Difference

She calls me Nikolai for the credibility.
The towns tend to reach the riverbends.
I wonder what…
Am I doing here?
Or am I being here?
Am I doing the right thing?
There’s always something to be doing, they say.

I’m sitting here, instead of standing, typing these words without any idea why.
Or for whom…
Probably just for me.
Times are hard when you can’t watch the time go by because you’ve got a digital timepiece and there are no secondhands to help fill those sixty second voids.


[????.??.??]

Upon This Earth

I’m just a man,
Here,
Watching,
Waiting for nothing.

I’m just a witness,
I guess,
I have no idea,
What I am.


[????.??.??]

Multiple Stances, All Painful

Found,
Under Column “Killed”,
Your Overhead Usurper,
Willing, Having, All Trembling.
Take Heed Everyday,
Fix Underwhelming Courageous
Kinsmen.
Don’t Overestimate Your Orcs
Under Will And Notarized Testimony,
Finding Real Origins Matter.
Maybe Each Town, Every Last
Lake, Matters Everyday.
Sometimes Orbs Infer
Courageous Animal Nerves
Totalling Ether Laced Lies.
Young Orcas Usually Turn
Over Five Underlings, Courting
Komodos Over Farting Figurines.


[????.??.??]

I’m Annoyed

I’m annoyed when I wake up.
I’m annoyed when I go to bed.
I’m annoyed when I eat lunch.
I won’t be annoyed if I was dead.

I’m annoyed thinking about plans.
I’m annoyed thinking about lunch.
I’m annoyed when you call me.
I’d probably like it if I was done.

I’m annoyed at happiness.
I’m annoyed at smiles.
I’m annoyed at what is considered normal.
I’d rather be alone than having fun.

I’m annoyed at your concern.
I’m annoyed at my own.
I’m annoyed at stuff, things, and people.
I’d rather it didn’t sound so glum, but it does.


[????.??.??]

Good At…

Seems like everything I like is either wrong,
Or someone doesn’t like it.
I’m like the underdog rooter unwitting,
I can’t have any preferences,
Otherwise I’ve got to fight.
But if I wait and let you tell me,
Then there’s peace,
But I hate it pretty harshly inside,
Don’t care too.

Seems like the best thing I do is disappoint,
I must’ve had a past life where I mastered it so well,
That in this life I didn’t want to let it go,
So I could show them how well I do it,
I’m a fan of destruction.
I thought I wasn’t the only one.
Wrong again!

Strapped into a ride that I can’t disembark,
The end’s in sight though,
Somewhere, down there,
But it’s there,
And when it finally arrives,
I’m not getting on this ride ever again.

Let me watch it go by,
Seems like a fun time,
I’ll stick with what I like,
Hopefully you’ll die.